You Should ABSOLUTELY and DEFINITELY NOT Have a Second Kid

I’m sitting writing in my backyard, at the picnic table under the protection of our covered Florida room. I can hear birds doing their bird thing, a dutiful neighbor mowing their lawn, and my two kids, playing imagination games in the front yard, on the other side of the house. What a joy it is that they have each other and can play and entertain themselves and leave me to pursue my hobbies in peace. Absolutely you should have a second kid.

I’m pushing both kids on the swings at a park, one is happily swinging away, the other is complaining because the whole point of our park trip was to play tennis, and here we are not playing tennis, because the other one doesn’t want to play tennis. I try giving the angry one an extra big, extra fun, push to which I’m told, “THAT WAS REALLY MORE OF A SIDE-DOG THAN AN UNDER-DOG, MOM.” Finally, we go to play tennis while the other stays behind on the playground. None of the strangers at the park are wearing a “Hi, My Name is Kidnapper” name tag, and they all seem to be diligently keeping their germs at a distance, so we’re probably good? In the tennis court, we volley for, maybe, ninety seconds, when I happen to look to the park to confirm whereabouts of the other one and see way more naked ass than I should be seeing at a public park…squatting over a tree, peeing. When I holler, it ensures that all park attendees also see naked ass, and it causes, in guilty haste, said child to stand abruptly, all remaining urine running down into clothes and shoes. At this point, it seems clear that park time is done and we’re going home, but tennis-playing child feels shorted and expresses this loudly. Everyone cries. Definitely you should not have a second kid.

The kids are cuddling together in a lawn chair, the big one reading while the little one leans her head on his shoulder, listening. They love each other so much, are so sweet and adorable together, that it makes my heart drop out of my chest and squish onto my shoes (like the pee) when I watch them together. Absolutely you should have a second kid.

I’m no longer writing peacefully in the backyard, because murder sounds are coming from the front yard. When I get there, I am informed that one kid has put their entire hand, somehow, defying anatomical limitations, up the other one’s nose, and everyone is crying. Definitely you should not have a second kid.

I hope, if you’re torn on whether or not it’s a good idea to have a second kid, that this has made it more clear for you. To me, it’s so obvious. You absolutely should and you definitely should not. So, do that.

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Sharing cold breakfast pizza nicely, until they’re not, and then everyone cries.

*Mandatory counter-curse when you’re a mom bitching about parenting- I love both my kids completely and outrageously and they’re the best people I know, and I am so glad they both exist.

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help. bigtroubleblog.com, Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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