What’s the German Word for ‘Can’t Celebrate Good News Because You’re Afraid It Will Awaken an Ancient Demon Dog That Retrieves Bad Luck Instead of Bones, and Drops Them At Your Feet?’ I have that.

I keep hearing from my friends that my texts are hard to digest, because there is too much good news and bad news all packed into one frame. I’m like, BECAUSE THAT’S MY LIFE, BEATRICE. I don’t actually have any friends named Beatrice, but I think it’s a cool name. I’d like to. I might have the opportunity to make a new friend Beatrice soon, because we’re about to move across the country to a place where we know practically no one.

Examples of these texts:

“Well, I accidentally showed my mom my labia over FaceTime today, and we’re moving to San Francisco! Unrelated.”

“I lost a friend last week, got exposed to COVID at the funeral, and got a tick bite in the woods when I was TRYING to meditate and exercise (relaxercise?), but good news is the Urgent Care I frequent offered me a job if I want it!”

“I bought a bunch of fun sex toys for our anniversary, but I can’t stand my husband right now, so they’ll have to stay in the box….that they came in.”

“The nine year-old is now awake from six a.m. to ten p.m., leaving almost no time for us to not parent, and also he still cannot go to sleep without us close by, and if we dare to try to tiptoe off the floor he’s on, he yells things like, “DON’T YOU DOUBLE CROSS ME,” however, the weather has been lovely, simply lovely.”

“After a really long-ass day of travel, while holding a sleeping fifty pound child, I realized that I’d lost my house keys, and I had to break in through the bathroom window, but, women are now allowed to lead at the highest level of government, and it’s only been…231 years of trying.”

“We’re selling our small ice cream business and that’s really emotional for me, but we did get a lifetime supply of ice cream out of the deal, and I’ve already eaten all of it in the last week.”

So….yes. We’re moving to California from our home state of Michigan. We’re having to figure out housing on both ends and we’re starting a painful goodbye tour. It’s a great job and a great place and we’re joining some of our favorite people out there, and leaving many others back here. We’re selling the business we poured everything into for five years. I did nearly (but not) contract COVID at a funeral that broke my heart. I did get bitten by a tick- and got it fixed before it became a problem. We have been jobless for the past 9 months. We have had the kids home every single day of those months. The election is turning in favor of Biden, but who knows what is still brewing before Trump’s officially out of the office he never should have had. The pandemic is raging and it’s terrifying. I’m twitchy and raw and scared for everyone’s safety, but as of today, my shoulders have dropped one of the six inches they need to fall to get back into normal posture.

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Holding my breath has become second nature. I don’t know when I’ll fully exhale.

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help. bigtroubleblog.com, Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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