Today Was a Turd And How Are You.

  • I’m cutting back on the amount that I eat because otherwise I’m going to have to cut back on the amount of pants that I can wear….so it’s a good thing that chocolate is not food.
  • I’m 195 days without a drink, but today was Googling “How to make toilet wine.”
  • And also,“How to know if your kid is broken, and sub-question, how to know if it’s your fault.”
  • All the people in my family must save up everything they have to say to me and let it all go at exactly the same time. I think it’s a coordinated sneak talk attack. The joke’s on them, though. I’m not even listening anymore, I’m just sobbing quietly deep in my soul.
  • After we fought through hours of agonizing school work and arguments over school work, and correcting sloppy school work, and stabbing each other with needles while making art projects, and reading and BITCHING about reading, and making origami shivs (“just in case”) and three or four meals, plus a few snacks, we FINALLY let ourselves collapse on the couch to watch a movie. It was 10am.
  • It rained today. Or whatever we call “today” now. It rained on “THIS ONE.”
  • I sat down to try to work on my book today a few times and it was a little too…this, so I’m calling it a day. We’ll try again tomorrow. Or, on “THAT ONE.”
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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help., Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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