This Year for Halloween, My Friends and I Are Going as All the Things Millennials Have Ruined

This year my friends and I are doing a group costume.

We’re going as a millennial and all the things our generation has ‘ruined’ for the old people (sorry, not sorry). My down-the-hall neighbor, Becky keeps asking if she can come, but she’s thirsty af. We’ll see.

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God, Becky. Too much.

I’ll be wearing a Bert and Ernie t-shirt and high-waisted jeans. My trick-or-treat bag is a tangerine La Croix.

My friend, Josh, is going as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade float to represent that we don’t do unnecessary family gatherings and department stores. I mean, why?

Jessica is going as a 9–5, five days/week employee, wearing uncomfortable work clothes, with blood-shot eyes starting at a cursor on a desktop computer, getting nothing accomplished.

Ashley will be Applebee’s. She’s just re-heating whatever she has in the freezer and charging $22 for it. She’s drinking a watered-down drink called, “PinkBerry Mojito Splash.”

Mike will be a paper napkin. He’s going to aggressively try to catch every crumb that falls, as if that matters.

Other Mike will be wearing his dad’s suit and plans to go around shaking everyone’s hand. He’s practicing really pumping it and making so much eye contact, lol.

Hannah is going as a bar of soap, covered in hair and giant germs made out of felt. She’ll be running around after people, screaming, “I’m clean! Let me clean you!”

John’s costume is pretty complex. He’ll be a cruise patron, because, gross, extra. He’ll wear pearls and an ancient gown with a…sparkly turban, probably? And opera glasses? (We’re assuming that’s what people who go on cruises wear)

Brandon and Samantha are going as “athletes,” wearing running clothes with crazy expensive shoes made only for running, and Samantha will be in pastel and plaid golf attire she found at Salvation Army. It’s hilarious.

Emily and Jack are going to be a monogamous couple. They’re going to wear matching outfits, wedding rings, and carry a Christmas tree around the party.

Neil is going to be a wine bottle with an actual cork that pops up when he bears down.

If Becky comes, she says she will be coming as the Starbucks mermaid. Honestly, if she shows up topless, I’m dead. I can’t even with Becky.

It’s probably just going to be a chill night at my apartment. If we feel like it, we might wander out at some point and scare the shit out of everyone over thirty-five.

Boo, or whatnot.

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help. bigtroubleblog.com, Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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