These are The Things I Hear By….Hearby…Hereby Demand

It seems we’re hereby demanding now, so I have a few things I must add. What a pleasant alternative to having to consider consequences, or to reasonably stating your case and following the prescribed path to action! Now, we can Tweet shout ridiculous wishes and THEY ARE SO. Could we have been doing this all along? It used to be reserved to toddlers hereby demanding bedtime candy or Craig the high school stoner, the write-in winner of student body president, hereby demanding weed vending machines in the cafeteria.

Now that the actual POTUS/dictator of the world, has taken up hereby demanding, I think I’ll try it! If I get to holler at the sky with no expectations that it will actually cause any change, I would make it count. What does a grouchy thirty-something lady hereby demand? She’ll tell you. THE POWER OF IT ALL!

1. Speaking of vending machines, I hereby demand that all vending machines serve inspirational messages written in frosting on fresh donuts. Figure it out.

2. I hereby demand that my car never has to be filled with gas again, because it’s a super hassle. I’m also not inclined to want to plug it in if it were electric. So…I guess I hereby demand that my car is a magic flying car, just try and stop me.

3. I hereby demand that people who intend to hurt or use you have some easy marker. Like maybe they all wear black turtle necks? Or big buttons that say, “I’M___A REAL DICK.”

4. I hereby demand that the 2012 Amy Sherman-Palladino ‘abc family’ show, ‘Bunheads’ receive the credit it deserves, and I wouldn’t throw a revival out of bed. Hey, Kelly Bishop, whatup, mama.

5. I hereby demand that we change Wednesday from “hump” day to “frump” day and we wear yoga pants and just not worry so much. It’ll be like casual Friday except even less bras and more chocolate brownie batter.

6. I hereby demand that success is measured in joy. Harder than it looks, try it.

7. I hereby demand that, when we’re not driving our flying cars, we’re using our hoverboards, which are both affordable and available, since we’re already overdue this development, according to Marty McFly, whom I trust.

8. I hereby demand that no small talk should be required ever. Big talk or no talk. You come at me with, “Well, I guess it’s Monday,” and you automatically lose 30 minutes off your life span. Severe, maybe, but effective.

9. I hereby demand that anyone who stops walking in front of me so that I rear-end them and I’M THE RUDE ONE, disappears into thin air and their families forget they ever existed.

10. I hereby demand that henceforth actress Sutton Foster, from Gilmore Girls (revival), Younger, and the criminally underappreciated 2012 ‘abc family’ show, ‘Bunheads,’ (perhaps you’ve heard of it? Find it on Hulu.) gets her choice of any role in anything, ever. She should be the next Bond.

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help., Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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