The Traditional 18th Wedding Anniversary Gift is a Shiv

Congratulations! You’re celebrating your eighteenth wedding anniversary during a pandemic! The two of you and your small children have been confined in a 980 sq ft house for the past seven months! May we recommend a nice sharp shiv for the occasion? It’s a versatile blade that can be fashioned out of many household items. Do be mindful of choosing a material that provides grip, lest your shiv slip from your fingers mid-stabbing the man you swore you’d love forever.

On your anniversary, you look back at the years you’ve shared, and remember times when you longed for each other, missed each other. Now, there’s no opportunity to miss each other or reflect on your separate, different days BECAUSE THERE ARE NO NEW EXPERIENCES AND THE DAY IS JUST ONE MONTHS-LONG BLACK HOLE SCREAM.

The pandemic has brought you and your beloved closer though, hasn’t it? SOOOOOO CLOSE! The first few days almost felt like vacation in your cozy little bunker, right? Now, two hundred some odd days later, the zombie apocalypse is getting old, and your safe little nest feels more like a cruise ship that got grounded in a landfill, and toxic water is slowly leaking onto the boat. And the bathrooms all stopped working. And the crew is monkeys. You and your soulmate share EVERYTHING! Space! Time! Fear! Death cooties…possibly. One never knows. There’s no reliable tests here in this shithole country.

If you’re trying to determine whether you genuinely hate this person and his stupid face, or you just wish he would sometimes be NOT in any given room that you enter, simply throw your shiv at his chest and when he crumples to the floor, see how you feel!

Blessings on your happy continued union (for now)!

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