I’m Working on My Parenting, But Shouldn’t YOU Be Working on Your Kid-ding, Too?? (Me Project Day 182, Bunker Day 46)

The thing about lemmings or children, is that if one of them gets up from her school work and marches over to the sidewalk and writes “NO” in big chalk letters and then says, ‘THERE, YOU SEE? I KNOW HOW TO SPELL THINGS. I’M DONE NOW…’ then the other children nearby will also think that a no might be a reasonable response to home learning…and then everyone falls off the cliff together.

Sigh into eternity.

We’re XXL lucky in that Im not working, so I’m free to teach these ingrates things about math I never ever thought I’d have to ever think about again. I have GREAT programs online and books, and their school is offering lots of materials, as well. It’s not a matter of not having resources, it’s a matter of having ASSHOLES.

I’m their mom, so they’re 100% comfortable telling me, in so many words, to fuck off, whereas they were only, like, 19% comfortable asking their real teachers at school to do the same. At which point we would get called in for a parent-teacher conference. Well now, when I have a parent-teacher conference, it’s just me hissing at Robb late at night, “Why are they SO evil? They are trying to RUIN me! Can you see the gray hair growing out of the top of my head? Watch if for a minute, it’s happening. Are you watching? Why are you walking away?”

So. Just like their real teachers, I give me gratitude and encouragement and chocolate, and apologize for the rude and belligerent hell-demons I NURSED FOR FOURTEEN DAMN MONTHS EACH.

I have no idea why they are so impatient, bored, unfocused and twitchy…except, yes, I do, because I’m all those things, too. This is all weird and hard and not anything we’ve asked of our relationship before.

The worst days are the ones where I just let them dick around on electronics all day. Then, not only are they obstinate, but they’re also glassy-eyed and foaming a little at the mouth. They need this learning, structure, and attention, but woo-doggy, even just being able to focus on this (without the added stress of bosses/colleagues/deadlines, potentially losing a job you depend on), is hella hard. The whining could power a metropolis, if we could figure out that technology. Better get the scientists on it.

ALLLLL the hats off to the parents who are somehow holding down jobs AND getting their shitty little shit monsters to actually stay on task enough to finish assignments, in the hope that they’re not THE LEAST prepared of all their peers for school when it starts back up in 2025.

On the plus side, it’s giving me great opportunities to practice my new zen anger-management skills. I’ve had day dreams, but no one has actually gotten stabbed with a pencil yet (even though it would be really easy, as the lemmings flee to the other room to sharpen their pencils CONSTANTLY, so they’re very shiv-like), and our relationships are mostly intact.

Here’s to the parents who are parenting, working, teaching, and the teachers who are doing the same. Teachers are miracle warrior angel baby goddesses whom I owe more than I ever knew. Again, sorry about my kid, I’ll bring more chocolate next time we meet in person.

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I didn’t write it, just found it on the internet from the brilliant Mindy Rose.

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help. bigtroubleblog.com, Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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