How I’m Staying Calm This Day. Day 150, “The Me Project,” Day 15, “The Bunker”

I found THIS article extremely helpful, and would say you don’t have to technically be a mom at all to be feeling crushed under this by the responsibilities- both physically and emotionally, of those around you. Also, having gotten 9 hours of very deliberate sleep last night and waking up NOT feeling like I’m already zombified, I can attest to some of the recommendations. They’re simple and they are very direct, clear, concise….because if you’re braining like me right now, I need exactly that. Take your left foot. Put it here. Good. now you’re right one. Excellent. You’re doing it.

I’ve also very intentionally been putting my phone down and walking away, because me feeling paralyzed by terror at what I’m reading, at the grief and fear of it all, isn’t helping me, my health, my house, my business, or my community. So I’m taking LOTSA breaks from the news/social news. And I’ve come to terms with that. It lets my mind-heart complex off the hook, even if just for a short time. I almost don’t feel the sickness in my stomach, just for a little while. My ulcers aren’t going to fix this for anyone. It’s ok to look away for a bit.

Walking away from the phone and walking…outside, exercising, lying in the grass, in the fresh air….it all feels like a million wins right now.

I’m also seeking chances to laugh because laughter feels like a rejection of doom, like a huge, loud bite of life. Like a fuck-you to fear. Just for a second, but I’ll take that second. I’m organizing a remote game night tonight with friends and family from all over- a ridiculous, fun, funny game because it’s what I can do. Today. I can bring people together (apart) to laugh, and maybe we’ll have a moment or two of peace and wholeness. Today.

Today’s the first day I feel like trying to write. It’s the first day my grief and fear let me feel hopeful and focused enough to try. Also, the business and the kids and stress of how we’ll financially survive this has been kicking me from the inside of the brain….but today I have a little bit of space to feel and can hear my own thoughts that aren’t blurred by the static panic alarm bell. I’ll take it. Tomorrow, maybe not. But this day, I am. Cool.

I always thought this was crazy fucking dumb, but now nothing’s dumb/everything’s dumb, so HERE YOU GO:

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(Not my side boob/not my tattoo)

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