Overall, I think I’m making gains on figuring out who I am, and standing more solidly in my boots. Still, though, I feel like I’m waiting for an assignment, a need from someone else. You broke down? I’ll rescue you. You need sustenance, shelter, security? That’ll be me. You aren’t sure you’ve made the right decision? I’ll help you fix it. You need reassurance about who you are? I will give you my boots to wear.
It feels like I’m waiting, waiting, instead of charging, charging. To declare what I’m going to do and then just do it feels like a move someone else would make. I wait patiently to be called off the bench, even if it’s just by someone who needs their laces tied.
I don’t know if it’s a bad thing, to be service-minded, but I do know there’s cost. Taking space and time for me still feels selfish, still isn’t intuitive. I don’t know if/when it will happen, that I can choose myself first without a lump of guilt in my throat.