At Least There’s Sunshine Now? Day 187 “The Me Project,” Day 51 “The Bunker”
I’m trying to come up with something funny and playful to write, because we all hella need it, but honestly, I’m tired. Funny and playful takes more work than just staying where I am. Here I am, sun-baked, kinda sad, kinda shocked.
My heart is not yet used to all this extra weight of worry and grief. It still feels like something fresh, something trying to get out. The pain is not sewn in yet, so that I can heal and scar and strengthen around it, because it’s not done. There’s no healing to start yet because there’s still so much we don’t know. Who and what will we lose? I’m holding my breath, waiting for more shoes to drop, even as there are thuds constantly around us. It’s very unnerving, and so, the wound stays raw.
Day-to-day, we’re fine, we’re good. It’s the days lined up before us like squares on a board game, not knowing how many times we have to go around the board, or whether we’ll all make it to the end, that gets me wanting to go fetal.
So. I do the things that help me stay upright THIS DAY. I breathe. I meditate. I eat enough good healthy stuff that I can keep successfully pooping (this is critical for a successful quarantine). I get the sun and warm fresh air that is available. I talk to my people. I make time to read for pleasure and only study news/updates that are helpful and data-driven. I write daily. I keep drinking water. I keep not drinking booze. I keep taking my antidepressant and vitamins. I move my body….this one is actually going less terribly than I expected. I’m on day #14 of a 21 day fix program where you work out 30 minutes a day with a variety of strengthening, cardio, abs, pilates, yoga, etc, and it does NOT suck! I have a text chain/accountability group going full of positive, sweet ladies, and I really like it. And my good body-moving habits have rubbed off on my family, too. I like that I’m modeling this healthy choice and that they’re seeing me work hard. Robb’s now doing the program daily, and we caught our son doing random crunches by himself in the back yard today (working on his “PACKS.” He’s aiming higher than 6, though. He wants “200 OR SO.”) Also, the serotonin/good mood hit is REAL when you exercise.
I don’t know what next day will bring, or day after that, or…into infinite…but I do know how to control the things I can control and how to keep me upright NEXT DAY. I’ll just keep doing that.
And now I’m someone who says, “Bro, it’s leg day” and for that, I will never forgive my friend, Karen.