Order today. The longer you wait, the longer you have to be you. Gross!
The new year is a perfect time to transform yourself from the third-rate knob you are today into a whole new glorious somebody else, in only 1 month!
We know your problems run the gamut: weight, height, ugly face stuff, personality disorders, and so much more. Fear not, your ’30 Days to a New You’ box is on its way! Oh, and if you’re wondering if your lady box is acceptable, it is not. But we can help with that, too!
Go to our website, newyoucuzoldyousucks.com, set up your secure payment plan, and take the survey to find out what parts of you need to be destroyed.
Eyebrows too full? Our Brow Butler will ruin every hair on your mammal face
Skin too flawed? Pesky smile lines? Evidence that you’ve existed outside of the womb for any amount of time? Use our patented Fix My Face drone, that will trail you and apply contouring finishing touches on you wherever you go!
Does your Body Mass Index (B.M.I) make your butt look big? If you’re gross all over your gross body, try our new Shranks! This patented bodysuit is infused with embalming fluid and will harden and shrink your skin into a firm husk, bringing you down multiple dress sizes instantly!
Do you lack character and depth? If your survey reveals that you have just as much badness inside as you do on your wide hips, clean out those hard to reach places in your soul with the Inner Beauty XX. It includes, ’Zen, Damnit!’ instructional yoga videos that will show you the best pants to wear and poses to strike. By the end of Volume 3, you and your partner (not included) should be able to take some incredible couples yoga selfies on the beach (not included)!
Too self-focused? The average adult takes 10–50 selfies per minute. Demonstrate how unselfish you are with our Reverse-Selfie Picture Taker (patent pending). It’s rectangular like a cell phone, but has an even bigger lens, and captures images in front of and around you, instead of just…you. You will be amazed how much nature stuff is out there. This revolutionary device actually prints a photograph at the time that you take it, and includes a little white bar at the bottom, so you can write a cute message, like, “Look at this cool mountain I found!”
Totally apathetic, possibly a sociopath? Awful human tragedies just keep coming lately, don’t they? Ugh! You’ve probably run out of fresh new ways to look bummed. Your kit will include a guide for the appropriate faces, sighs, and #thoughtsandprayers sentiments you should apply to whatever super harsh thing might befall your fellow man. For an additional small upgrade, we’ll name a sick kid after you, or NOT kill a dolphin in your honor.
Failing completely as an adult person? You’ll receive a medal, designed by none other than Oscar winner and lifestyle guru, Gwyneth Paltrow, that declares, in beautiful Sanskrit, that you’re a “Real Good Adult.” It’s made of repurposed human baby teeth and also doubles as a vaginal strengthening aid.
Go online to get started today. The longer you wait, the longer you have to be you! Gross.
Sarah Zimmerman thinks you’re great just the way you are. She is a freelance writers, published in The Belladonna Comedy, Ravishly, mom.me, Pregnant Chicken, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Mommyish, Together Guide, and more. Find her on Twitter at @sarahzimzam, or on her blog/Facebook at @bigtroubleblog