10 Things I Have Found on The Floor During Quarantine.

  1. The other day after doing thirty minutes of yoga on my bedroom floor, I realized I’d been down-dogging on a used BandAid the whole time.
  2. Not going to name names (though, there are only four of us and SOME of us have been continent far longer than others, so use your detective skills) but SOMEONE has missed the toilet, and even the toilet ROOM, on multiple occasions.
  3. Partially eaten: apples, bananas, toast, muffins, multiple chewy vitamins covered in floor lint (which indicates filth AND lies!!)
  4. Hair balls. (We only have people and a fish….who the fuck’s fur is that)

Burn. It. Down.

5. Elements of poison. The kids make potions quite often, generally bosting names like, “Death Potion for Dying” and then just leave the bits and puddles lying around for us to step on and squish between our toes. Hasn’t led to toe death yet.

6. Fucking more hair. Oh, wait. I figured out the hair balls. The little one cut the big one’s hair. In the back, into a sort of Alfalfa thing. That was cool.

7. Paper airplanes. Blessed be. My parents sent an activity book to keep the scamps busy, which included 101 Paper Airplane designs. At least 99 of them have floated past my head or into my eyeball in the last month, and every single one of them has ended up on the floor.

BURN. IT. ALL. DOWN.

8. Bloody paper towels and more BandAids. These people wound themselves constantly. CONSTANTLY. There is never NOT someone falling to the floor.

9. Children. There are children on the floor. Ope, there’s one now. There are loud thuds, followed by the siren crescendo scream or the “I’m OK!” about every seven seconds in our house. And then, whether or not they actually warrant a BandAid, one will be called upon for service.

9. My things. From my bedroom. That no one had permission to touch.

10. This is cheating because it’s not on the floor, but I’ll allow it. Occasionally, the divine creatures who live in my home use the restroom and then…just walk away, I guess? When one of us grown people enter the room, we discover the evidence of their negligence just floatin’ there in the toilet, with NARY A TOILET PAPER SQUARE. Fuuuuuuckkkk. There are SO many violations and implications here. It used to make me blow a gasket when it happened. Now it still does, but my gasket is a little smaller because at least they’re conserving TP.

BURRRRRRNNNNNNNNN!!

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Find me on Ravishly, The Belladonna Comedy, Pregnant Chicken, & more. Being a human is hard- maybe the kids can help. bigtroubleblog.com, Twitter: @sarahzimzam

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